You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
