he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
