life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
one might say we're banned from that church
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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