i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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