Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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