Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
