Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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