Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
