this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
