Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
