i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
