You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
