remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
