I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
