Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
