It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
