What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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