Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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