so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
