HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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