checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
