Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
