I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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