I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
