Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Randomize