also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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