I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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