I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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