omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
