Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
