I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
