Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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