Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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