I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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