look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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