Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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