Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
