If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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