1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
