I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
