I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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