I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
