My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
