I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
