well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dignity is for republicans.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize