He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
