this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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