I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
