The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
