True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
