I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
