Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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