her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Send help, water and tortillas.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
