saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
