Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Randomize
