So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
