Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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