Jerry, you need to find god
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
