Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just pee around me
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
