i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
